So recently it's really been getting to me how close minded some people are, it's like they only see things from a one dimensional perspective, it doesn't kill to listen to others views or opinions, they are perfectly valid, also whether they are fact or not is not always relevant...I think people forget that even facts can be bias, for example in news reports..they show you a certain BIAS perspective and use BIAS facts to back up their own prejudice opinions in order to convey there own country/promotional company ect. in a better light. If that makes sense ahah. Anyway, this all stemmed from someone who really hit a nerve with me recently, I put someone but really it's just an imaginary person harboring all these malicious things that have been said by various people, not all of which where aimed at me but still got to me. Firstly expectations that follow skin colour, I know what you're all thinking "ahh here we go, the cliched anti-racism talk that takes place at least once in every persons blog" but no, it's different from that, I mean like from within your own culture, your own family ect. all having expectations from you. My family isn't really like that, I mean granted they expect me to take on some cultural aspects and they've instilled values and boundaries in me, but its a given. Its more like when we go somewhere or even in school when people of the same culture as me demand to know why I listen to more music from other countries than from 'my own country' what am I supposed to say to that?? "Ahh man, I'm sorry for having a more open minded views towards these things than you" something like that? Either way it just feels ridiculous to me! You should show respect towards other cultures as well as your own, they also have stories behind them, values, and interesting perspectives on things..I think it helps to develop a more diverse and integrated person if you take some of them on board.

Anyway, mini-rant aside, my emotions are all over the place. I find myself feeling different almost every day, sometimes I'm happy, feeling independent, fully aware of my actions and ready to move on..and the next? I'm eating cereal out of the packet, living in my room and crying into my pillow..there is only one word that fits this description: PATHETIC! I never used to be like this! I was always quite carefree and more study conscious than I am now, things like relationships outside my family and close friends could take a back seat. But at the moment I feel really weak! It's terrible, It's l like I've lost a vital part of my personality, and I don't have the slightest idea how to get it back. If this is what it's like to be 'getting over someone' I'd rather not like them in the first place. Because in proportion, the pain is so much larger in scale than the happiness thats fleeting in comparison. It's kinda like fear to be honest..it's the closest thing I can link it too, this strange, bitter feeling. Fear of competing against people who are better than me, fear of failing my families unmentioned expectations, and most of all, fear of being alone.(le cries haha)

As far as things go generally, my maths exam is tomorrow, and I'm feeling pretty confident about it if not cautious, it's early days yet, and I'm open to a re-sit, but at the end of the day even if my family are to considerate to openly announce it, my own expectations of my results are high..I need an A, if not now, I'll re-sit and do it again, and again, until I've reached my full potential, even if I don't have emotional stability, I need to keep my willpower strong..Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going, like my own personal supply of fuel. But  I can't help but feel god damn nervous, ugh, I can never forget the first few minutes in an exam, when your just sitting there, in a maze of chairs and other panicked pupils staring at a few pieces of paper that ultimately, could determine the outcome of your future. I don't care what anyone says, when you strip it down to what it actually is, it's hella lot scarier than you could imagine not the other way round. But next year is going to be worse, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't even the pinnacle of it, I'm going to have to fix up, and face it like a man! >_<

Sonia =^-^=

Weaknesses

Huh where to start... well my little get together went well, I made a cake which turned out good, not as good as something refreshing like a lemon cake but I think they enjoyed it ^^..The bottom two layers are coffee infused and the giant layer is almost a brownie, made with dark chocolate (nomnomnom lots of love for dark chocolate) and If anyone would like the recipe I'd be flattered firstly ahaha, but just leave a comment or something saying so n_n. I hope you are all well, I think I'm getting a cold..The weather in England is always so grey, I miss the sunshine and heat of summer.
Star wars was great (what can I say, I'm a nerd) but kinda awkward cause I have to wear glasses when I'm watching t.v or whatever, and at the moment I have no contacts left..so I kinda had to double up normal glasses and 3d ones which made me look like some strange robot. Which I can imagine was the most attractive look known to man. NOT. ahah.

Onto bombarding you all with my troubles~

Recently I've been wondering whether being naive and over thinking small things is a good thing. For example, relationships, crush's, lovers ect, all seem to stick with me an awful lot longer than other people who are the same age as me. Is this a good or a bad? I mean hell, we played spin the bottle and I got anxious at the thought of kissing the guy the bottle pointed at.. but the girl next to me? She grabbed his face and BAM two minutes later she'd done the dare FOR me plus an extra minute or two. Did it mean anything to her or him? A-Noo, they both have other people they like.

But to be honest my history of previous loves and how they've all turned out suggests that this girls approach might just be working better than mine as my history with guy to be fair, not great. I somehow always end up being close to them for a period of time, and then suddenly they're with someone else because I didn't act on it when the time was right...I say "they" but its only ever been one guy, even thats finished now. I read somewhere that guys are 'like elastic bands' which seriously is a pile a' shiet. If guys are actually like elastic bands what do they do around me..start of close-ish and then get stretched further and further and further away before snapping suddenly, bouncing off and landing in a completely different place all together?..They don't always bounce back and I don't think this applies specifically to just guys, I've seen girls do this to perfectly nice guys too, I think the term 'love is all about timing' is waay more accurate.

Also, I get the feeling I take things alot more seriously than others my age when it comes too a physical relationship..they want to loose their virginity fast, and 'get with' the first decent looking guy they see, I want love and loyalty, physically expressing everything isn't going to for fill everything in a relationship! I mean sure it helps (if you get what I mean n_n)  but just to rely purely on physicality isn't going to make a relationship without mutual interests and easy conversation work! Just like you cant just prove to someone you love them by saying it, you have to show it..That's why I haven't said 'yes' to a single guy who's asked me out so far. I wouldn't want to lead someone on if I didn't feel the same, because when I've been in the situation when I'm the one confessing to somebody who doesn't feel the same way the one thing I'd appreciate more so than them being careful in handling the situation, is being honest with me. It might look like I'm hopeless and seemingly pretentious for waiting for the clinched 'right guy', but isn't a relationship only really worth it when both people feel the same? Looking around at relationships now it seems that there's always one person who loves less and one who loves more.

Mutual love, in my mind is almost impossible. But if you look close enough there are exceptions. So I think I'm gunna keep looking, focus on things that are more important to me than love, art, family, studies and such and maybe in a few years I'll let myself like somebody. To be honest, I'm still hurting from the last guy I (I really wanna say love but I don't at the same time ahah) liked, the fact that he moved on and away so fast has hurt me..I don't even think I like him any more..Its just the thought of having to build myself up and tougher, like another layer of armour to work up again is too much. I don't want to wake up every morning with the words "If only" fresh in my mind. Its been exactly a year of this, and now it's subsiding, I don't want to go back to feeling weak.

I guess now I'm used to not being with the person who I like, but that's okay, I'm a teenager (seriously have to remind myself, I feel like I'm middle aged sometimes haha) there's years before I have to worry about commitment and relationships I know..just maybe my mindsets a little too forward for my age. Perhaps with time I'll get younger? Does that make sense? haha, well whatever happens I just cant let myself be weak, and at the moment..love is weakness.

Okay, hope y'all are well, and not half asleep like me ahaha. So today me and a few friends have planned to go to the cinema of course to see star wars in 3d. NO SHAME! The film is frickin epic, and I cant wait to spend some well deserved chill time with my mates. The only thing nagging me is the fact that at the moment, we are a litttleee skint at home. And my friends on the other hand are not. This small niggling thought has literally kept me awake most of the night: Would it really look obvious if I snuck off for like two minutes to the poundshop and bought popcorn and snacks? I admit it, I'm being tight with money at the moment..But is that reaally a bad thing? I mean, fair enough I have to sit out the near constant shopping sprees with the girlies, and not go to the cinema half the time, but at the end of the day I like to think it's character building..That in some way or other it teaches me the 'value of money' and all that.

Or I guess it just makes me paranoid.

Anyyhoo, I have aloot of cooking to do, I'm hosting a little get together in a couple of days and as usual insist on cooking everything myself before realising that its aloott more work than I thought (smooth I know) by then it's too late to ask the guests to bring anything-a couple of snacks, whatever- with them so I was thinking.Whats quick, easy, made in vast portions and tasty? I could really do with some help..We need a main and dessert..their not food critiques so a starter can take a backseat..Post a comment in the comments section with some ideas and I'd really appreciate it!

Sonia=^-^=

A new Perspective

So it's valentines day, I hope your day has been more exiting than mine ^_^! Hmm where to start on the issues raised by this day... well, besides the fact Valentines day is a selfish promotion of tacky disposable gifts composed by the all seeing media, I don't really believe there to be any use of Valentines day..I mean, granted it makes you feel like a loner, unless you have that special somebody you wanna throw cards and miscellanea at..but also what is the use if you actually have a boyfriend/girlfriend?? Theres no mystery left, no anticipation, perhaps a moment of romance, or a bunch of flowers.. but all in all shouldnt these thoughtful romantic gestures be a surprise to be fully considered and appreciated? Hell, romance should be unexpected gesture of love, not a chore appointed to a certain day in the year, when from household to household there are partners in now pressurized relationships slapping themselves because they forgot to deliver the bunch of wilted flowers, or send the chocolates that they havent yet purchased.
           
But enough with the controversial talk, in all honesty today has been tiring. You know that feeling when you've reached the three week mark before an exam and your like: huh. I just realised I know none a this shit ._. and your trying not to think about it but its juuuust at the back of your head nagging you,like a guilty conscience..saying "revisseee.....REVVIIIISSEEE" but no. For this one week of holidays I am dedicated to laziness ahaha. n_n'

Recently I've been trying a new approach to things...I've thrown myself into cooking and positive thinking alot more and have put together a number of new (hopefully nom) recipes. I think the one week of voluntary work I did really helped, it was exhilarating to be contributing to something, and to have to meet demands and work with structure. I embraced the working atmosphere and without it now I feel kinda bored, I got used to being tired at the end of the day...so I started running again today with admittedly bad results. I cant believe I'm so unfit at the moment! Either a gym or my bike is going to be perused a.s.a.p before I turn into a potato and only have the ability to watch dramas and eat.

All in all though, I'm happier, there's always a couple of things that get you down but I've accepted it as a given. Life isnt perfect, and it never will be..there will always be imperfections and let-downs. But small or big, you cant let them get to you, because life inevitably must go on.

                                        Sonia =^-^=